My friends are policemen

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Yes, I will proudly state that some of my friends are policemen. Some are military. Some are first responders. I admire their dedication to serving others. To promoting health and safety. For doing the jobs that so many people are so good at arm-chair quarterbacking.

Yes, I am writing to show my gratitude for all who put themselves before me. For those who make it possible for me to write publicly. For those who come to my assistance when I am sick. For those who protect my home from fires. For those who do things that most people can’t even comprehend.

One of my very good friends is a retired police sergeant. After 38 years on the police force, he retired and took a civilian position working to ensure the police department maintains the highest standards of policing as establish by an independent national agency (www.calea.org). He has dedicated his adult life to ensuring the safety of my community as well as those who entered public safety careers after he retired. Thirty-eight years. Not a single use of force complaint. Credited with solving many crimes of different types including robberies, homicides and abuse/neglect of children and adults. Commended for his ability to calm protesters throughout the decades, most recently the Occupy Protests in 2011. Not a single complaint from a citizen or co-worker.

And now, I hear people calling policemen pigs. Accusing the justice system of being biased in favor of the police. Attacking the very policemen that they expect to show up and help them in their time of need. Forcing their anger in the faces of people who have nothing to do with what they are angry about.

I live in a country where you are free to peacefully assemble. You are free to publicly express your thoughts. But, we are a nation of laws. Destroying other people’s property is a violation of the law. Destroying public property is a violation of the law. Theft, assault and inciting riots are violations of the law. These are all things you agree not to do when you accept your citizenship. You also accept the consequences of your actions.

For those who state that this destruction is a form of communication, I ask where did you learn to speak that language?

Back to my friends who selflessly place themselves in harm’s way so we can sleep at night and wake to enjoy the liberties they protect. I believe that the job of keeping us safe is difficult. About 2.5% of Americans are currently serving in the military. In my city, there is approximately 1 police officer for every 702 citizens. There is 1 firefighter for every 1082 citizens. Not exactly a huge number of people to hold the lines of our society together.

I encourage you to learn more about your community, the people who protect you and the issues that affect the community. Don’t judge your community until you know your community. Refrain from condemning those who have chosen to do the jobs that so few are capable of doing. By building stronger communities, we are increasing accountability. By joining our communities, we are effecting change. By becoming knowledgeable about our communities, we can improve everyone’s quality of life.

 

 

Don’t fan the flames

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I was once like you are now, and I know that it’s not easy,
To be calm when you’ve found something going on.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything you’ve got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not.~ Cat Stevens

 

I’m going to write this in general terms. You can decide the applicability for yourself.

When things don’t go your way, it’s not necessarily an injustice. Stuff goes one way or the other. It’s the way life works.

You can choose to become angry and throw a temper tantrum. You can choose to gloat. You can choose to validate your actions in the name of justice. Those are choices available to all of us.

Just remember that there are consequences for every choice you make. You can’t jump off a bridge and expect to not hit the ground. You can’t drive willy-nilly on the freeway and expect that nothing will happen. You can’t throw a punch and expect no return hit.

You can choose to find positive ways to express your feelings. You can choose to think things through instead of following your impulses. You can choose to not get caught up in public hysteria. You can choose to read all the information and make your own decisions instead of cherry picking what fits your mood.

With so much turmoil in the world today, it’s hard not to get swept up in the swirling currents of public opinion. It takes some effort to think and come up with your own words instead of using catch phrases intended to stir people up. I encourage you to take the time.

 

 

 

 

Cope

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Cope:  to deal with and attempt to overcome problems and difficulties —often used with with <learning to cope with the demands of her schedule> ~ Merriam-Webster

 

I’ve spent the last few days just getting by. Some of it is my own fault for not taking care of myself. Some of it was just so random…things you would never expect. A close friend struggling with a difficult situation. A friend’s service dog was hit and killed by a car. More news stories about violent deaths in my city. More stores about bombings overseas. Posts in my social media about missing and exploited children. Ferguson. That’s a lot of things to cope with.

I know I’m not the only one who gets told to “just deal with it” and cope. I’m starting to really dislike that word. Cope implies that I can contain all my emotions. Cope implies that I have to keep a stiff upper lip. Cope implies I’m less than if I cry. It’s a lousy piece of advice to give to someone who feels deeply.

There’s a lot going on this time of year where people get told to cope. The holidays bring strong emotions to the surface for many people. There are empty seats at the table. Empty stockings in times of relative bounty. Empty hearts that are still healing. And the best advice we can offer is to cope?

I think not. I’d like to think my readers of this little blog can sense my emotions when I write. I try to use words that convey what’s going through my head and my heart. I think we can do better. I think we should do better.

Instead of telling people to move on, get over it or cope…try a random act of kindness. Take a coffee or tea to someone. Bake a few extra cookies for a friend. Invite people to share in the liveliness of your home. Try listening without judging. Kindness is free….sprinkle that stuff everywhere!

Your challenge: Let go of judgment and stigma. Take a chance on offering a smile and a handshake. Help where you can. Be kind. And please, don’t tell people to cope.

 

Casting Stones

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Today’s news feed brought many stories. The doctor working in Sierra Leone who was transported to Nebraska for Ebola treatment died. Three cases of child abuse/neglect made my local news. The beating death of an Army veteran in North Carolina. Preparations in Ferguson and surrounding areas for riots. A homicide in the south end of my city with the shooter still at large. Posts about diabetes for awareness. And many, many posts about gift ideas.

The commentary on these stories is equally telling as to why they are news. The fear mongers are calling for sealing our borders to keep Ebola out. One even pointed out that the two people who died were black while the two who lived were “of lighter hue.” The comments about the children were along the lines of “poor babies, praying for them.” The Army veteran? He met the guy who beat him in a bar and some are now saying the vet should never have been in that bar. Ferguson? Those people have a right to protest injustice by destroying other people’s lives.The homicide victim? I expect that to pass fairly quickly because of how my city copes, as in not in my backyard. I’m glad to see the awareness posts. The gift posts make me sad after reading everything else.

There’s one gift I’d love to see everyone receive this year. The gift of compassion. I want everyone to experience compassion so they can share compassion. The doctor? He went to Africa to save lives, knowing he himself could die. The children? What a difference it could have made if people stopped saying “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” and started offering to come do laundry instead. If we as a society could stop demonizing behaviors that don’t meet our personal moral standards, I feel we would be better off.

Instead of casting stones, why don’t we spread compassion? Why is it so important to judge other people? I guess it makes some people feel better, but at what cost? We are slowing losing one of the things that makes us awesome human beings.

Your challenge: As you read or watch your local news, think about your reaction to the stories. Realize that you may be judging people based on a few snippets of information. Now, think about you can spread compassion if the topic comes up in your life. You don’t have to agree with the actions of an individual to recognize that each person deserves compassion.

How to Love Me

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At first blush, it seems simple. Just decide we’re compatible and let it roll from there. In reality, it’s messy, because I’m human just like you. Regardless of what religion professes about love conquering all, it rarely does. Probably because all the other emotions get in the way.

People do things in the name of love all the time. Some are really sweet gestures, like remembering a birthday or bringing home flowers just because. Some are much grander, like marrying for better or worse and meaning it. Or giving up a kidney for a stranger. Or even being an organ donor so others may have a shot at a life after you have passed. Those are some pretty grand gestures of love.

But what of the day-to-day love that we all need? I know I’m difficult. I have my way of doing things and I can be pretty stubborn. I can do many things that people without Autism can do. I can even feel the judgment from others that I’m not Autistic enough to be a member of their tribe. If we truly love one another, why do we keep insisting on labels?

Labels separate us from them. By nature, they divide groups. Labels make it easy to say “I hate cheese” without even trying all the different flavors of cheese out there. A blanket statement about a labeled group is so much easier to use than to get to know all the different types of people in a group.

Autism is a spectrum disorder. There are people who struggle with what we generally consider the most basic of tasks…self-care and communication. Others struggle with academics and social situations. Still others experience awkwardness in conversations. We all have the same disorder. And, I can assure you, we all want to be loved.

So, how to love me. Accept that I’m different and it’s okay. I do the same for you. Yep, that’s right. Some of the stuff you do strikes me as pretty strange. That whole “look me in the eye thing” is weird. Your love of dill pickles? Um, yeah, not touching those. See, it’s okay. Love me for being different and showing you different things. Love me for expressing thoughts that you may not have considered. Love me for all the quirky behaviors I have. Because you know what? You have some pretty quirky things going on too.

Most of all, just love me as a fellow human being. Being different doesn’t make me less worthy of your love.

Diabetic Love

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To love me means you accept all the messy bits as well as the fun-loving “normal” bits. My spouse and I are approaching 24 years of marriage. Fourteen of those were filled with the everyday things…careers, raising children, helping with the kids’ activities. Fourteen years of “normal,” although you must remember that normal is a dryer setting.

Now my spouse has learned to wake me when my service dog whines in the middle of the night. To tell me when he smells insulin. To not freak out when he has to do an injection or help me change a pump site. To know where I keep the stash of carbs for emergencies. To accept that I don’t eat what he eats anymore. When to rush me to the emergency room and when to keep me home. I’m sure it’s exhausting for him.

Most of my friends understand diabetes to some degree. They know what Blizzard’s alerts look like. They know she carries meds and carbs. They know which restaurants I like. I don’t think they live in a constant state of awareness about diabetes, but they know I am a diabetic.

November is diabetes awareness month. My message here is to be aware. Be aware of your own health. Know the signs of diabetes and don’t be afraid to ask. Most of all, don’t be afraid of people with diabetes. It’s manageable.

http://www.diabetes.org/

 

 

 

It’s Cool

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This week brought several stories about Autistics into the news. I’ve read so many comments on social media about Autism that my head hurts. Why? Because people are arguing and judging things they don’t understand. While none of my contacts has said anything to me, I wonder if some of the commentary applies to me.

Jerry Seinfield stated in an interview he thought he might be Autistic. This has sparked huge debates about diagnosis and “attention seeking” behaviors. Some people seem to feel that the only “true” Autistics are those who are diagnosed by medical professionals and have severe impacts in their lives. Um, yeah. It’s called a spectrum for a reason.

I’d also like to point out that until recently (about the last 15 years), Autism awareness was pretty low. Unless you had classic Autism, with all the severe behaviors associated with classic Autism, you weren’t Autistic. Many people over the age of 35 are just now figuring out why their lives are what they are and it isn’t because of more stringent or even looser diagnostic guidelines. It’s because we’re becoming more aware.

Some of the commentary by non-Autistic “experts” indicates that people who self diagnose are wrong and trying to grab the spotlight. One BCBA flat-out said it should be illegal to self-diagnose. Illegal? I self-diagnose all kinds of things including colds, stomach bugs and other maladies. Thanks to the information that is readily available 24/7/365, people guess at their conditions all the time. Are they wrong? Are they doing something illegal? I think not.

John Elder Robinson is recognized as an Autism expert. He also has Autism. Mr. Robinson was the lone Autistic voice in an organization supposedly dedicated to helping Autistic people. He left that organization in 2013 because of their stance that Autism needed to be cured. Well, and the fact that the big line item in their budget is advertising, not helping Autistics.

In a piece on the blog Psychology Today, Mr. Robinson elaborates on the polarization of the Autism Community. Read the full article here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/my-life-aspergers/201411/jerry-seinfeld-and-autism

Assume you actually clicked out to the article, wouldn’t it be nice if we could just embrace people and not rip them apart? I’d love to know why people are so suspicious of motives when public figures share information. Then I think about me. Here I am, writing this arguably small blog. I’ve outed myself on several topics. I have received comments like “I never would have guessed!” What is my motive? To help people become more aware.

So, there you have it. The more you know, the broader your view of the world. It’s so easy to isolate ourselves. Quick, name 5 of your immediate neighbors! I know I can’t.

It’s cool. We all are busy with our lives. My passions are not your passions. I appreciate people taking the time to read this little blog. I hope you’ll learn something. I hope you won’t judge me too harshly. Most of all, I hope you’ll understand that people are people…deserving respect for their journeys even if you don’t understand their path.

An Open Letter to Jerry Seinfeld

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I encourage everyone to read and give this some thought. I know many support A$, but as with every organization, you should always make sure your time, talent and treasure are doing what you intended.

Welcome to the club!

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Well, a certain social media platform changed the rules again. I had to create a community page for this blog over there. If you’d like to see what other things are interesting to me, please “like” the page at https://www.facebook.com/oystersandlife. Thanks!

Judge Not

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For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.~ Sir Isaac Newton’s Third Law of Physics

Being who I am is complicated. If you nudge on part of me, something else shifts. Medically, this drives my doctors nuts because things happen that shouldn’t happen. Mentally, this is incredibly taxing. Trying to keep my ship on an even keel is a whole lot of work.

It’s not all done by me though. My family, especially my spouse, are fabulous. During my recent illness, I was in the land of “not fun” for about a week. It was really not fun for my spouse.

I’m starting to somewhat understand the talking heads that want to empathize with caregivers when they snap. In the last few days, I’ve found out that caring for me when I’m not well is hard. One friend said it was weird seeing me act mentally ill. Yes, that was an educational opportunity right there. The point is, I’m starting to “get it.”

That does not mean I condone the actions of those who snap and take it out on their charges. As I don’t remember about a week of my illness, I think I can safely speak for the people who rely on others to care for them, even when it’s really hard. There is pain and regret that I am so “hard” to care for sometimes. I feel remorse for putting my spouse through “hell.” I don’t remember the specific incidents, but I can hear the pain in people’s voices as they gently try to fill in the blanks for me.

Now imagine a person who can’t communicate as I am able. I feel all those things and can’t express them. Those are very powerful feelings to keep bottled up. So when I act up, I’m not trying to be difficult. I just don’t have any other way of letting you know what’s going on with me.

Empathizing with people and feeling compassion towards others are good things. They keep us human. Those qualities and the actions spurred within you balance out the people who don’t share those qualities and make life that much more difficult for others. Just don’t move into apologizing for others. It’s not your job.

The recent murders/attempted murders of disabled children were choices made by their caregivers. They were choices. The caregivers must now face the equal and opposite reaction of their behavior. We cannot define what those caregivers should feel. We cannot judge those caregivers. We can hold them accountable for their actions. And that is what keeps us as a society in balance.