How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.
It’s always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.~ Cat Stevens

In the song, the artist is having a conversation between a father and son. Here, I want you to think about the words in a different context. It’s no secret I have multiple medical issues. I recently had a “minor” procedure that, now entering week 3, has wreaked havoc with my life.  Combined with some medication changes, I literally have no life right now.

So what do those words mean? I’m tired of explaining myself. It’s hard enough when I feel well. When I don’t, well, it sucks to have to keep repeating myself. Over and over to different doctors because for some reason, they can’t read notes. They refuse to listen to me. They refuse to listen to each other. It’s like shouting to the vast oceans.

Part of this is my Autism. I just can’t communicate my needs correctly all the time. I assume people know what I need/want and they don’t. They no more know how to read minds than I do. I think they hear me, but they don’t really get what I’m saying. Honestly, I speak fluent English as do  most of my medical providers. Somehow, it seems to come out gibberish.

The worst part is that most doctors don’t seem to hear me. I’m told to listen and not question. Right now, I have refused treatment for one disease because of my doctors. Honestly, it’s frustrating all involved parties. But, I felt I had no choice. There was a lot of demand placed on me with no expectation that they listen. My words fell on deaf ears. So, I refuse. Childish? Absolutely. Effective? Quite possibly since outcomes drive evaluations.

I’ve also been denied treatment in these last few weeks. It seems that my doctors, even the ones who just met me in the ER, know more than I do. I went in for pain…it seems they somehow missed a 3mm kidney stone and are now calling it a fragment. Let’s just say that it’s significant and painful. Did I receive treatment? Not really. My blood sugar decided to go low most likely from the stress. So, they focused on that. They didn’t even check for stones and consequently figured I was just seeking drugs.

You can go in the archives to find more thoughts about seeking. In this case, I just shut down. Doctor’s seemed to be yelling at me. Demanding things. Angry voices. And I, adult and all, just shut down. I have to say, doctors have no idea how to deal with Autism. Yelling doesn’t help. It really never helps. But it’s what they do. So, we go nowhere. I don’t receive treatment, they don’t get answers.

So there is no win/win. It’s all lose/lose. The doctors can’t treat me. I shut down and can’t answer questions. One day, my wish is for compassionate physicians who aren’t “in your face” or “detached” from what they do. .Until then, I guess I’ll just be a petulant child.