Lemon Trees

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Storms make trees take deeper roots.~ Dolly Parton

Over the last week I’ve had to deal with many storms, from raging tornadoes to mild showers. I’m not done dealing with the damage these metaphorical storms caused in my life, but I am making progress. Just like meteorological storms, these metaphorical storms had many causes as well as confluences. The one thing they all have in common is the impact on me.

We’ve all heard about making lemonade. What happens if your lemon tree is destroyed? I’ve had some pretty crazy things happen this summer that fall under the lemon category from a major car accident to a life-altering new diagnosis. My friends would tell you I’ve smiled and sailed right on through, lemonade in hand. In truth, I haven’t. I’ve struggled mightily with some of these things. I’ve tried to rationalize why things happened to me. I’ve gone through at least some of the stages of grief around each event. And I’m still standing.

The last major event nearly knocked me over. I fled back to the safety of my family. The place I knew would be shelter in a storm. Once the eye of this last storm passed over, I realized that my roots were deeper than I thought. While some of these roots are definitely on the surface, others run right down to the well. I discovered that I need both in order to thrive.

Last night I was on the phone with another friend. Her life has also been uprooted, more so than mine. As we talked, I let our conversation flow over me and turn about in my mind. The thought that the points we focus on the most become our lives popped up. When I focus on my health, everything else seems to fade away. When I focus on my family, the rest of my problems melt into the ground. I do have many things on my mind and I can multi-task, but when the big items hit, they get my full attention. This can be both a positive and a negative. It’s positive, because obviously a major health issue demands attention. It’s negative because I become so wrapped up in that focal point, that I let everything else go. Then when I’m ready to return to “normal,” I find that normal has changed. It can be quite disconcerting.

The key is to keep redefining normal. My normal is not your normal. As I’ve previously said, we are all different. But by re-prioritizing and trying to keep the bigger picture in mind, I will grow deeper roots. These things that interrupt my life are but leaves on a tree. They will eventually fall away and become insignificant. My roots, however, need nurturing. I need to remember to water them frequently. The shallow ones will eventually serve their purpose as well and will wither away. The deeper roots, the ones that make me strong, will grow even deeper and help keep me anchored when the next storm rolls through.

The next time a storm rolls through your life, think about your roots. Even better, start thinking about them now. Have you been watering them enough? Have you cultivated some strong anchor roots? Do you have enough surface roots to hold you in place through a mild shower? Right now, I think I’m going to go pick up the old watering can.

Think, then blink

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guid·ance (n.) 1. The act or process of guiding. 2. Counseling, such as that provided for students seeking advice about vocational and educational matters. 3. Any of various processes for guiding the path of a vehicle or missile, by means of built-in equipment.

I have discovered a new meaning for the word guidance. It apparently can also be defined as “using policy to shirk responsibility.” As in “the guidance says that can’t be done.” Rather than think independently, it becomes easier to follow guidance. The end result is a group of people who rely solely on the opinion of others to make decisions.

In some ways, this form of guidance is very similar to definition 3 above. The trajectory of my life is being guided by the built-in mentality that allows people to blame their lack of interest on “guidance.” If this sounds bitter, it’s because the more I look at things, the more I realize how often policy dictates decision. Gone are the days of thinkers such as Jefferson. In their place, we have groups whose information and conclusions seem valid enough that another larger group believes those ideas.

You can find this group thinking across all aspects of your life, from the workplace to heath care to current politics. Ever wonder why you can’t wear sneakers to work? Would it impact productivity? Probably not. But along the way, someone decided sneakers were unprofessional and no one has challenged it so, no sneakers. Have you wondered why you have to go to physical therapy before your doctor will consider that you really hurt something? A flow chart has determined your fate. Politics…well, that’s self-explanatory.

There’s an old saying that two heads are better than one. If it stopped at 2 heads, we might have some semblance of balance. Add a 3rd, 4th or more and things start to become imbalanced. In trying to reach consensus, the individual is lost. Policy becomes more important than people.

That is my rallying cry for today. I am a person, not policy. All the flow charts in the world can’t contain my humanity. I appreciate the concept of guidance, but I do not believe that it should ever replace the power of individual thought.

Live, Love, Laugh

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There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.~Henry A. Kissinger

This quote was made in jest during a time of intense political stress. Yet, it rings true today because we have filled our lives with things that need doing, places we must go and people who demand our presence. Our lives have become schedules, without room to pause and savor what is right in front of us.

One of my friends recently attended the funeral of a very good friend. My friend found herself unable to cry at the service and was wondering what was wrong with her. I thought about this for a while, as I am prone to cry at a picture of cute puppies. Then I realized, it’s because my friend lives in the now. She savored her time with her friend as it came and thus had no regrets other than losing the companionship of a dear friend. They laughed and shared life every day. Even though her friend passed rather suddenly, my friend found herself understanding that life is meant to be lived right now, not as a series of regrets.

I frequently joke about how my housekeeping skills have been lacking for the last decade. No, I’m not a hoarder and my house, while messy, is not unsanitary. I’ve just found that as my kids were growing up, I wanted to be involved in their lives. I led Scouts, volunteered at schools, taught my kids to serve others and made dinner almost every night. The dust bunnies could wait. My life was full of kids and their activities.

Today, I am grateful I lived in the now. My kids are young adults and can fend for themselves. The only major skill they lack is housekeeping, but that probably has to do with me being a poor role model. My days are still full, but not with the things I want them to be. Living in the now was crazy busy, but strangely liberating.

I encourage all of you to pause for a few moments and look at your schedule. Then look at your life. Happiness is found in doing the things you love. Don’t worry about a crisis…there will undoubtably be one anyway. Live, love, laugh. Those three words sum up how to handle a crisis.

Place Palm Here

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Everything has been said before, but since nobody listens we have to keep going back and beginning all over again.~Andre Gide

I have spent the day explaining over and over to people why something needs to happen. Literally, the entire day. And I am no further in this quest than I was this morning. It seems that common sense really is a flower that doesn’t grow in every garden. The gardens of bureaucrats could sure use some re-seeding.

What now? I like metaphors, so imagine a rather large monkey wrench being thrown onto my set of train tracks. This wrench has the potential to, at a minimum, cause me to become more disabled. The stakes go up from there. It seems that efforts to reduce costs and “improve” efficiency have reached a level where policy is more important than people.

Yes, policy made by people in positions ranging from clerk to essentially CEO/COO has thrown my train of life off the track. Lest you think this has no effect on you, I will acknowledge that this involves healthcare which is something we should all be passionate about. In the name of progress, American healthcare is evolving. While some of the first ripples of this change are being felt by certain sectors of the public, those who receive any kind of medical benefit funded by the government are already experiencing great, sloshing waves. It seems this sector was designated as the roll-out platform. For some people this is wonderful news, at least for now. I just can’t wait until everyone gets to experience what happened to me.

People who only know my name and policy number decided that I was not deserving of care. People who have never met me, never spoken to me and most certainly never examined me decided that I was too expensive. What’s that you say? In 2014 you can’t be denied care because of pre-existing conditions! It seems no one noticed the standard of care is not defined. Yes, we will all be able to receive medical care. There is no guarantee it is the best care. There is absolutely no guarantee it is appropriate care. It, however, is guaranteed to meet the barest minimum of standards. And, since companies who offer “extended plans” will be assessed financial fines, we are all now guaranteed to receive the absolute minimum that can be provided.

For some people this medical care is more than they ever received and I am glad that many of my friends in the disability community will now receive care. Having had mediocre care for the last 23 years, I am now finding that the new standard is much, much lower than even my mediocre care. I surely did not realize how low the standard could go. Here I thought all the medical mistakes and oversights were just blips. It turns, out, those blips are defining my new standard of care. What I consider to be the low points of my medical experience are now appearing to be the high points. And the best part is…I get to pay MORE for less care. Wow, feels like socialism to me.

But, I digress. Congratulations to those who will receive benefits. It is indeed sad that we as a nation provided less care for our population than we did for the populations of other countries. No one should be shut out of healthcare because they can’t afford it. To the rest of us, welcome to the new standard. Unless you have the means to travel to private medical facilities and pay completely out-of-pocket for all your expense, your wake up call is coming.

Trust in the Information Age

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Trust, but verify.~Ronald Reagan

In this age of instant “friendships” and split-second communication, it all to easy to find yourself questioning decisions. A handshake used to be enough to seal the deal, mainly because you had spent enough time with someone to know they weren’t selling you oceanfront property in Iowa. Now, I have an elderly women, supposedly dying from cancer, who wants to give me millions if I would just be so kind as to provide my banking information.

I found out today that a certain social media platform is sending out “friend” requests on my behalf to people I don’t know. Well, I do sort of know them as they are “friends” of “friends.” But, I didn’t make these requests and now I have messages asking me who I am and what do I want. I think it’s great these people are skeptical enough to send me a message before confirming the request and I hope everyone affected does, because it sure would be weird to have these people start showing up in my news feed. It would also be time-consuming to check my “friends” list every day to make sure nothing has changed without my permission.

So how do we develop trust when we don’t meet people in person? How do we know what information is “safe” to disclose and what we should hold back? At what point can we determine if a “friend” is trustworthy? I’ve seen so much in the last 4 years that probably ought not to have been posted in public. No, I’m not talking about the Miley Cyrus incident, although that certainly qualifies.

The Declaration of Independence uses the words “we hold these truths to be self-evident” to describe basic human rights. I believe many people think their personal lives fall under those very same words. We are supposed to believe that no one stretches the truth, that everyone is the person they claim to be and that every story told is true. Another old saying pops in to my head…”caveat emptor” or buyer beware.

Trust takes time, much more than a few exchanges via email. Even after you have decided to trust a “friend,” you may still find deceit and heartache down the road. Like relationships in real life, online relationships are fraught with pitfalls. In some ways, they are like dominoes. One person disagrees with you and suddenly you find yourself either a target of online attacks (much like schoolyard bullying) or massive “unfriending.” I have been left wondering what I did to someone to be “unfriended” only to discover that it’s because I’m “friends” with someone else. Seriously, it reminds me of the days of nanabooboo on the playground.

I suggest that we all take a step back and consider what trust means to us. I trust that my phone bill will show up every month. I trust that there really are only two certain things in life…death and taxes. I trust some people more than others, either because they have earned my trust through walking the talk or because they appear to be inherently “good” people. You won’t find me posting every little detail of my life on any social media platform. If I did, I’m sure the Nigerian official looking to move money out of his crumbling economy would want to speak with me.

Change

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I’m just preparing my impromptu remarks.~ Winston Churchill

I recently had to opportunity to pass the reins of leadership to another person. I had been heavily involved in a non-profit organization. Finding out that my near future would make it almost impossible for me to continue leading, I stepped out of that role. It may have come as a surprise to the next person in charge, but I’m a huge fan of on the job training. In my experience, nothing drags an organization down faster than staying after you have done your job.

Letting go can be hard. I know a great many people who cling to the past, not realizing that it is time to move forward. Time to change. Time to let go. As a parent, I’ve had to learn this over and over again, usually because one of my children has informed me, in no uncertain terms, that my presence is no longer necessary. In retrospect, that means I’ve done my job. My kids can fly solo, or at least with minimal guidance from ground control.

Back to the non-profit. I am very pleased to say that by stepping aside, the new leadership can and has started moving forward. There comes a time when you become an obstacle to growth and stepping aside allows change to occur. I still keep an eye on things, but it is wonderful to see the direction things are going now. And, on the selfish side, I love that it’s not all “on me” now.

Never fear change. Change forces you to grow and expand your thought processes. Change grants you the opportunity to see success in other parts of your life. Instead of dreading it, embrace change and see where it takes you. Change is like a small child, ready to show you the world from a new perspective. Take the hand being extended to you and go find out what lies ahead.

Forgive and forget?

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Forgiveness is not for the other person, forgiveness is for you~ Bill Ferguson

For some unknown reason, I found myself visiting the church I attended as a child today. I’m not going to launch into a “God led me there” discussion. We all have our beliefs and I want to focus on what I found there. If you’re expecting me to say I found my salvation, I’m afraid you will be disappointed. You see, God and I have had an on-again/off-again relationship for over 30 years. It’s never been a question of God, but rather organized religion as THE guiding light of my life.

It is so simple to proclaim your religious affiliation. It is much harder to live your faith. I was raised in a traditional church and can still recite the service almost verbatim. I know when to sit and when to stand. When to sing and when to bow my head are all part of my upbringing. But, what about my faith? Do I blindly believe the words I can recite from memory? No, I do not.

The Christian Bible, as well as many other religions, proclaim that forgiveness is a path to salvation. By forgiving, we are showing God’s mercy. My question is, for whom? If I forgive “those who trespass against us,” and I’m doing it for God, how do I know that is what God wants? I can interpret what happens in my life in light of the belief that this is all God’s will, but how do I know?

My answer is, I don’t. As I sat through the lightly attended service, I started reminiscing about my past relationship with this particular community. I could “see” the ghosts of the adults who made up the village that helped raise me. At certain moments, it felt like those people were physically present as we said the words proscribed by my religion. Did all those people do God’s will? I don’t think so. They lived their lives as human beings who make mistakes ad try to right their wrongs. They had faith that despite their mistakes, they were good people.

I know at least one of them was not. I’ve held onto that grudge for 30 years. You’ll just have to trust me that the individual really earned a special place in the afterlife. This hatred (and as I previously mentioned, I don’t generally use the word hate) of one individual came flooding back as I recited the words from my childhood. So there I was, worshipping in a location that was the cause of so much pain in my life. And I made a choice.

I chose to let go of the hate. In those quiet moments this evening, I chose to forgive this person. I chose to stop giving this person so much control over my life. I banished that particular ghost from my past. It doesn’t feel like an enormous weight has been lifted. It’s more like I’ve taken a big step forward. Like all decisions, it will take time to work its way into my life. But, it’s a start.

The individual I held responsible for some pretty reprehensible things is long gone. Tonight, I forgave that person. Tonight, I set two people free. Tonight, I decided to “forgive those who trespass against us” and to allow myself to move forward. Because forgiveness isn’t for the ghosts, it’s for the living.

The Disability Card

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Just Joe

I didn’t used to be disabled. To most people, I don’t even look disabled. I get funny looks when I step out of my car after parking in a marked space. Of course, then they see my service dog and start making assumptions. I have even had people say very loudly “How does a blind person get a driver’s license?” The facepalm moments I experience everyday make my head hurt.

But what’s worse is when people start to play the “Disability Olympics” with me. It’s this ongoing contest to determine who has the most disabilities or is the “sickest” amongst a group of people. Like there is some kind of Gold medal for winning at being sick. Some people in the disability community take these Olympics very seriously, becoming upset if someone tries to out-compete them. Sometimes even complete strangers will try to engage me in stores, assuming that since I have a service dog I will be willing to play the game.

Having a disability does make me more empathetic towards people in general. I am more likely to share a smile or chat with someone who seems lonely. My service dog opens people’s eyes to the possibility that they too are fragile, subject to the whims of life. It does not, however, make me a disability. I am still a person. I have feelings, hopes and dreams. Aside from my frailties, I’m just like every other person on this rock we call home.

So why do I find myself getting angry when someone pulls out the “disability card?” First, you need to understand what I mean by pulling this card. It’s like when there’s a flu bug going around the office and everyone is comparing how long they were out and how awful they felt. Then someone else comes back and loudly pronounces that they had the flu “worse” than anyone else. When it comes to disabilities, that card is supposed to show everyone that the person pulling it is the MOST disabled person in the room.

I believe everyone has strengths and everyone has disabilities. We are all capable of great things, regardless of the hand that life has dealt us. Some parts of my life are incredibly easy. Others are incredibly difficult. The only thing I compare myself to is my own ability to do something. Yes, that sounds so clichéd but it’s the way I roll. For the most part, I have nothing to prove other than I am competent at the tasks I undertake. Whether someone does something “better” than me is irrelevant. Their life is different from mine and as such, they can bring different experiences to whatever project is on the table. It’s not a competition.

The next time you are comparing yourself to someone else, ask yourself why. Why is it important to have that person’s approval? Why do you “NEED” to be right? Is it worth the emotional energy? Chances are, it’s not.

Who are you?

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Well, who are you? (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
I really wanna know (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
Tell me, who are you? (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)
‘Cause I really wanna know (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)~ The Who

An interesting question presented itself today. How do you define yourself? Is it by the people in your life? Your socio-economic status? Your kids? Your pets? Your faith? What adjectives do you attach to yourself? Do you care what adjectives others attach to you?

I looked through my “friends” list on a certain social media platform as well as in some of the “groups” I belong to on the same platform. Some people have chosen pseudonyms that reflect either what they identify with or perhaps how they feel about themselves. Some are whimsical, others are clearly well thought out. But, in the end, these are people who for whatever reason don’t want people to know “who” they really are.

Over the years, I’ve been “mom” to many, “George” to 10 years of Girl Scouts, friend, spouse, and family member to others. I’ve been a teacher, a volunteer, an advocate and a person with disabilities. With so many labels to choose from, it’s hard for some people to figure out “who” I am.

Yet, for me it is easy. I am a person. I have done things right and I’ve done things wrong. I’ve lived, loved and yes, even disliked. I don’t use the word hate, except in conjunction with Brussel sprouts. I’ve surmounted many challenges and failed a fair number too. In short, I’m just like every other person on this planet. I have no reason to hide my identity and no reason to be ashamed of who I am.

Does that mean I don’t attach adjectives to myself? Or accept the ones other people attach to me? Well, yes, I do. Sometimes, it’s a matter of convenience. When I was teaching in public school, I used “Mrs.” as my label with students. I still do when I’m working in an educational setting. I’m still George to a large group of people whose lives I touched through Girl Scouts. Those labels will always be a part of me because those activities were a significant part of my life. I’m still a mother who is blessed that her kids still speak to her, even after that horrid stretch of adolescence. None of these labels bother me, for they show that I’ve lived a rich life.

Yes, I have privacy settings for my online accounts. Not because I’m ashamed, but because I don’t feel the need to share details with people who may not have my best interests at heart. For me, that is a valid reason to keep information private. My real name? Not so much. I can type it into a search engine and I pop up within the first 25 hits. If you really want to take the snippets you know about me and search, it’s not that hard to find out who I am. I’m not in witness protection and have no police record, so why hide?

So who are YOU? Are you the sum of your experience like me? Or are you someone who feels that one experience defines them? Do you need to hide from the general public for security reasons or do you choose to remain anonymous out of principle? Do you trade your reputation on words or deeds?

Today, think about how you use labels to define yourself. Figure out what is truly important to you. Answer for yourself why you choose to be called a certain name and why you get angry or upset when others don’t follow your lead. Your family picked your birth name for a reason. Give equal thought to why you choose to be called something different. And don’t be surprised when people who have known you for a long time ask you why you changed your name.

(Based on an online discussion, 8/28/2013)

Love and Blood

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“Blood is thicker than water, but Love is thicker than Blood.”~ Garth Brooks

Recently many of my friends have asked what defines a family. Yes, some of this is in light of the debates around marriage rights. Others are estranged from their “blood” and are searching for ways to connect with other people. This question piqued my interest and I began asking my own questions about who is “family” in my life.

I often joke about the 7 circles of friendship I created in order to manage my social media. One platform gives me the option of “friends” or “acquaintances” as well as creating custom lists. I started my quest for answers by looking at how I had assigned the people I know on this platform. Interestingly enough, only three of my “blood” appear in my “family” list. The remainders are people I have met and gotten to know well enough that I’m comfortable sharing things with them. How did that happen?

Searching deeper into my motives for assigning people, I found that my comfort level of sharing personal information seemed to guide me in how I created my lists. So does that mean I’m not comfortable with my “blood?” After further consideration, I decided that was not the case. Rather, I’m more comfortable sharing things with people I have strong, consistent relationships with, whether in real life or via social media.

As I reflected on this nugget of information the realization that relationships are what makes us family dawned on me. Regardless of how people came into my life, their willingness to accept me for who I am and to build relationships with me placed them closer to my “inner circle” than other people. Don’t get me wrong, I care about all the people in my life. It’s just that some people have expressed a desire to stay connected while others have allowed the relationship to become one-sided. Sometimes I’m the one who made that decision.

In the end, I believe that Love is what makes us family. That deep feeling of fullness that other people bring into our lives is the kind of Love that binds us. It is this Love that helps us stick together through all the bumpy patches of life. How we find that kind of Love is the stuff that stories are made of. Many people have touched my life and I’m proud to call them friends. Those who have stayed in my life, working with me to bind ourselves together, are my family. We may not share our upbringings, “blood” or traditional family roots, but we have each other now and that is what keeps us strong.